Femicide crisis: The quiet warning signs women ignore before the first strike

• More than 70% of documented femicide cases in Kenya occur in private spaces and are often preceded by escalating domestic abuse
• Speaking to NGBREAKINGNEWS, a survivor recounted how years of threats, isolation and violence culminated in her husband shooting her as she tried to escape
• Another woman, who was not as fortunate, was allegedly lured back by promises of reconciliation, only to be found dead a day later
• Experts identified some of the key warning signs that often precede femicide and explained how perpetrators use them to control their victims
• Psychologists also explained why many women find it difficult to leave abusive relationships despite recognising the warning signs

The home has become the most dangerous place for a woman. This is not a mere statement or an empty claim, but a sobering reality backed by hard facts amid Kenya’s ongoing femicide crisis.

Statistics reveal that more than 70% of documented killings occur in private, shared spaces, almost always preceded by a clear and escalating pattern of domestic abuse.

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Femicide does not happen out of the blue. Most women notice the warning signs but still remain in abusive relationships, not because they are foolish or careless, but because of a complex web of emotional, social and economic factors.

In this feature, NGBREAKINGNEWS explores how perpetrators weaponise the language of romance and love to disguise control, and why ordinary red flags are so often ignored until it is too late.

A survivor’s ordeal: The red flags hidden in plain sight

NGBREAKINGNEWS spoke to a woman who managed to escape an abusive marriage, narrowly surviving what she believes was a femicide attempt by her husband. Although she escaped with her life, she was left with a gunshot wound.

Pamela (not her real name), who eventually relocated from Nairobi to Mombasa for her safety, married John (not his real name) in 2014. At the time, she believed she had found her happily-ever-after. She described him as loving, gentle and incredibly humble when they first met and throughout the early months of their marriage.

The couple was blessed with three children, and both worked tirelessly to ensure their family lacked nothing financially. However, trouble began when John was recruited into the Kenya Defence Forces (KDF).

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According to Pamela, he changed drastically. He became emotionally and physically abusive, frequently finding arbitrary reasons to hurt her, especially after she gave birth to their youngest child and became entirely financially dependent on him.

“In the beginning, he was a good man. However, things changed when he got the KDF job. Small things could trigger him. He kept demanding to know why I didn’t have a job and questioning why certain things were not working in the house,” the mother of three recalled.

Pamela also noted the chilling frequency with which he threatened to kill her if she ever left him for another man. Whenever he came home from work, he would pull out knives and point them at her or display his firearms around the house. He also systematically isolated her from her family, many of whom could not understand why she continued to stay despite the abuse.

The final, near-fatal attack came when John stabbed Pamela in front of their children and locked her inside the house as they cried for help. When she desperately tried to escape, he drew his weapon and shot her. Fortunately, the bullet did not kill her.

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“I ran away. He even attempted to harm my children, but the neighbours stepped in and helped us. I have never looked back since,” Pamela said.

Trapped by a second chance: The story of Abigael Nafula

Abigael Nafula was not as fortunate as Pamela, even though she had already found the courage to pack her bags and leave her husband.

The mother of one had also been married to a KDF officer for 12 years. He was her first love, the man she genuinely believed would never harm her. But as the years passed, her husband became increasingly violent, unfaithful and financially neglectful.

Tired of the constant conflict and manipulation, Abigael eventually left their home in Gilgil, Nakuru County, and relocated to Rongo in Migori County to start afresh. She was only beginning to rebuild her life when, a few months later, her estranged husband contacted her and pleaded for a chance to talk.

“He expressed a strong desire to get back together with my sister and become a better man, and Abigael believed him. She told me it was better to raise her child together with her father, and that is why she agreed to meet him in Nakuru,” Abigael’s sister told NGBREAKINGNEWS.

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The couple met and even dropped their daughter off at school together. Abigael never made it back home.

She was later found dead in a hotel bathroom. While her husband claimed she had taken her own life, the young woman’s family strongly disputed the allegation. An initial post-mortem report later confirmed that her death was not self-inflicted.

The blueprint: Four quiet warning signs

Through these accounts and national data, NGBREAKINGNEWS identified four common red flags that are often concealed within abusive relationships:

1. Isolation from loved ones

Perpetrators often subtly yet systematically cut women off from friends, relatives and trusted support networks. Through manipulation, they portray outsiders as threats to the relationship, ensuring the victim has nowhere to turn when things become toxic.

According to the 2025 Femicide Report, She Did Not Die by Accident, this enforced isolation traps women in private settings, contributing significantly to the fact that more than two-thirds of documented femicides in Kenya occur at home.

In Pamela’s case, her husband ensured her family remained at a distance after she repeatedly returned to him against their advice. He also prohibited her from making friends, claiming they would “introduce her to other men”.

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2. Love bombing

Love bombing occurs when a partner showers a woman with excessive affection, gifts and grand gestures, particularly after mistreating or physically abusing her.

Perpetrators weaponise these overwhelming displays of love and attention to create deep emotional dependency, making it harder for victims to objectively assess the harm being done. According to data tracked by the Africa Data Hub, this cycle of intense affection followed by abuse is a common tactic used to keep victims trapped in volatile relationships.

3. Constant threats

For both women interviewed and countless others across the country, threats—whether verbal, psychological or physical often precede serious violence.

These threats are explicit declarations of intent and should never be dismissed as mere expressions of anger. Many women hold on to the hope that their partners will change after an episode of violence, but tragically, some never get the chance to see that change.

Data from the Africa Data Hub and the Technical Working Group on Femicide indicate that many victims report their concerns to authorities, local leaders or family members multiple times. Unfortunately, their cries for help are often dismissed as “private domestic disputes” rather than recognised as signs of potentially lethal danger.

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4. Coercive control

This pattern of behaviour involves excessive surveillance, including monitoring mobile phones, controlling finances and demanding constant accountability for a woman’s whereabouts and activities.

A 2026 research brief by UN Women Kenya identifies coercive control as a major precursor to fatal violence, describing it as a calculated erosion of a woman’s independence and autonomy.

The danger often escalates dramatically when a victim attempts to regain control of her life, break free from surveillance or leave the relationship altogether, potentially triggering a violent response from the abuser.

The psychology of the trap: Why do women stay?

To better understand the invisible chains that keep women trapped in abusive relationships, NGBREAKINGNEWS spoke to Marygoretty Okumu, a Nairobi-based psychologist, who explained some of the structural and emotional factors involved.

Okumu highlighted financial vulnerability as one of the biggest barriers to leaving.

“Dependency syndrome makes a woman stay because she does not have an independent means of generating income to care for herself and her children. Some have been manipulated or threatened into leaving their jobs, but fundamentally, it is the terrifying fear of not being able to survive financially on the outside,” Okumu explained.

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She also noted that childhood trauma and societal conditioning can play a significant role.

“Some individuals grow up watching relationships in which one parent is the perpetrator and the other the victim, normalising the idea that violence is a natural part of relationships. Others are raised to believe that women should be strictly controlled or even physically disciplined, and they carry those beliefs into adulthood and marriage,” Okumu added.

Finally, the psychologist pointed to the crushing weight of societal expectations. The pervasive mentality of “What will people say?” forces many Kenyan women to endure dangerous and toxic relationships out of fear of judgement from their communities, churches and families if they choose to leave.

Source: NGBREAKINGNEWS